Like most aspects of recovery, getting better is counterintuitive in that it’s generally terrifying. When we’re not sure how to be, we entertain the option of shooting ourselves in the foot, just to get back to the familiar.
I’ve come to understand that control is fear-based and more importantly, largely an illusion. On my good days, the only thing I’m in charge of is myself. On my great days, I’m not in control of me – my Higher Power is. I surrender on a daily basis – asking my Higher Power to work through me to give and receive.
I’ve learned that the expectations and standards we hold ourselves to serve as guiding principles in our lives. Like many in recovery, I found myself repeatedly crumbling under the weight of the demands I placed on myself, the pressure I put on myself to juggle an impossible number of undertakings, and the absence of support that I allowed myself.
When we talk about our “trust issues” we’re often referring to our fears of judgment and rejection. Our experiences both in growing up and in active use taught us to expect it. It’s a hard piece to reconcile. The people in our lives today are very different than those who gave us a distorted sense of self.
God speaks to me in lots of ways. The conversation with my friend today gave me pause to reflect on just how important the things I’ve been stressed about are. I know that all of my problems are good problems and still I sometimes try to run the show instead of letting my Higher Power be in control.